Day 1

I have been an angry soul.  My mind thinks I can just throw on some clothes and take off running, but my body (size 12 but squeezes in to size 10) tells me that all it can do is take off walking.  I visualize my success but cannot visualize me actually taking the first move to just walk.  Why?  Because the results are slow and I feel fat and it just seems easier to eat more and hide.

I was mad all day, just mad at being out of shape, of wanting to take the easy way out and eat king sized kit kats all day (D10 in vending machine, will eat two at a time) and just go home, put on some elastic sweats (great denial outfit) and watch Ellen.

I made the decision to walk today just out of pure anger and frustration.  I cussed it all the way too….so sick of failing with my eating, sick of not sticking to any exercise routine, sick of wanting to run a 1/2 marathon but each year passes with no strides, sick of feeling like a fatty in the Spring and Summer, sick of feeling like I may have a heart attack when I walk up a flight of stairs…sick, sick, sick, SICK of it.  I was afraid if I didn’t do something, I would take a frying pan upside my husbands head and blame him for all my woes.  I got so dang sick I had no where else to turn but to take the first step out the door and walk, just walk a mile or two because if I didn’t, I might seriously hurt someone.

As I made my trek, my inspriration in thought was Kyle Maynard.  How can you make excuses after you see his story?


About thefortyexpress

I do not fear getting older, HOWEVER, I am shocked when I see photos of my 40something year old self. I sometimes don't know what to do with all of this. How to merge the young girl I was with the old bag I am now???? What do you get? A hot mess is what you get. Maybe that is what a mid-life crisis is, trying to merge the old with the now.....
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